Gangstas

Rapper vs helicopter. Rapper wins, apparently

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. I mentioned I bought (and was intending to play) this horrendous sounding game a couple of posts back. I did actually follow through on this - and the game was about as good as I expected.

Actually, that's a lie. It was actually much better than I expected.

I'm sorry Rena, please don't kill me!

As I mentioned the other day, the storyline is A M A Z I N G. You probably don't care about spoilers for this particular game, but if you do, I suggest you be very careful about reading this post!

The game opens with 50 Cent finishing off the last show of his tour in an unspecified Middle Eastern country. His promoter guy can't pay him the $10 million he promised, so Fitty pulls a shotgun on him.

At this point, I was wondering where he got the shotgun from. I mean, he walked in empty handed, wearing his usual gangster stuff, which is easy enough to conceal a pistol in, sure. But a SHOTGUN?

Anyway, the guy eventually gives in, and gives Fitty a jewel encrusted human skull (apparently priceless) as payment. On his way out of the country he sits in a hummer, arguing with the guy about which gangstas are more gangsta - New York or unspecified country's. At this point I was bored and didn't care - until explosions and gunfire exploded around them. In the chaos, some random woman steals the skull and escapes.

"Bitch took my skull!"

You spend the entire game shooting lots and lots of gangstas, until you eventually run out of gangstas to kill, it seems.

The gameplay is fairly standard fare - third person cover based shooting. Except that I didn't need to use cover until the *very* late stages of the game where I was consistently facing off against snipers, gun turrets and helicopters. Until this point, I didn't so much as hide behind a rock. It appears our buddy Fitty is bulletproof (unsurprisingly, Bulletproof is the title of 50 Cent's first game. Yes, THERE IS MORE THAN ONE OF THESE GAMES) - also a fact he mentions in a cutscene at one point. He also proves it - taking a bullet at point blank range late on - then getting up about 5 seconds later to fire rockets at a helicopter.

The game is quite rough around the edges in terms of gameplay though. Some things just aren't done well, some things completely clash, and some things make no sense whatsoever. For example, the weaponry types are colour coded. Grey for pistol (which you can never run out of ammo for), yellow for assault, blue for close range (shotguns, SMGs etc) and red for heavy weapons. This is fine, visual cues on the ammo boxes are handy.
The part that doesn't make sense about this is the fact that the enemy gangstas are also colour coded the same way. They wear brightly coloured tshirts which make it easy to see where they are, and give a general idea of what weapon they're carrying. It seems oddly out of place that there are so many gangstas packing weaponry that seem to be part of some kind of sick Wiggles impersonation group. Except much more violent. And now, much more dead.

When you kill an enemy, they drop money. You pick up their money, and spend it on more weaponry, "counter kills" (which is a fancy name for Quick Time Event melee kills), and taunts. I spent some money on taunts - they were less fun than the taunts you began with. You can also find cash in boxes (stashes I suppose). What doesn't make sense here, is that THE MONEY IS CEL-SHADED. Nothing else in the game is. This leads to a strange incongruence in the art style - though I really would have been happy if they'd just made the entire game a cartoon - its close enough already.

Also, 50 Cent has gangsta powah. There is literally a gangsta mode, which slows down time for a little while. I'm not sure if all of these things were Fitty's idea, but gangsta mode sounds like it could have been.

By far, the most annoying thing about this game is that its coop. Its a coop shooter in the vein of Gears of War. However, you can't actually play it coop on a single console - if you want to play this coop game in two player, you have to do it online. If you play solo, you choose one of Fitty's boys to follow you around, shoot at things, continuously yell at you to get into cover (because I never did until the end sequences), and occasionally help you open a door or give you a boost up a ledge. This annoys me - and its not the only game to do this (Crackdown, I believe, made the same mistake). If you're going to make a coop game, then let people actually play it coop on one console! Surely it's not that difficult to add a split screen!

Anyway, its over, and I have returned to Final Fantasy XIII. Woo!

And you'll be glad to know - he gets his skull back

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The backlog has been updated - since last mention, two games have been finished, and a bunch more added. It's getting ridiculous now...
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Horrible, horrible purchases

Everybody makes horrible, horrible decisions sometimes. Particularly regarding purchasing certain items. The real question here is, are these horrible decisions mistakes, or are they intentional? Because sometimes, you can't help but make a terrible purchase, because of the hilarity of it.

I did this myself the other day, but let's back up a little bit to the beginning of this story, shall we?

The story begins on Saturday Morning. I had stayed home that Friday night, due to needing to be in my home electorate for the state election - I needed to be able to vote. Hence, my girlfriend and I decided it would be best for me to go home on Friday, instead of the usual ritual of heading to her place then for the weekend. That way, I could vote on Saturday, then head on over to her place where we do... well, whatever we feel like for the weekend (this weekend we watched Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni)!

Oh yeah, it's cute until they start mercilessly slaughtering each other

So, after staying up to 2am playing Dragon Age (what can I say? It had me hooked!), I went to bed, only to be woken up at around 8.40 by my mother. "Wake up, we need to go and vote!"

I was allowed to return to bed, since I was going to walk down to the local school and do that on my own later, but the awakeness and noise from the rest of the house convinced me that trying to sleep was a horrendous idea, so I got up, showered, and proceeded to vote. Afterwards, I packed my things, got a train and a boat to Manly, and met up with Sarah.

We decided it would be a good idea to go to the mall, since neither of us had eaten anything that day, so food was high on the agenda, and she was interested in getting a second controller for her somewhat-newly-acquired PS3. We entered EBGames before grabbing our food.

And that is where I saw the sale. In typical EB fashion, there was a "3 preowned games for $50" deal going on, and I always make a point of looking at those, since you can occasionally find hidden gems.

I managed to find Resistance: Fall of Man - a game I had been looking for cheaply for a while, mainly because I'd bought the sequel cheap, but being OCD when it comes to games, refused to play it until I had found and conquered the prior game (This burning need tends to get relaxed in certain situations, like Final Fantasy, where the games have nothing to do with each other, or in Metal Gear, where the original couple are inaccessible to me).

I desperately began to look for two other games of note, to justify the purchase. I managed to find a game called "Eat Lead - The Return of Matt Hazard", a game which, by all accounts, sucks. Except that it parodies other games. And has a character voiced by Neil Patrick Harris. OHMYGODAWESOME.

Everyone's favourite suited-up womaniser

Satisfied by that decision, I began to look for a third game. Something to round out the $50 deal. It didn't have to be amazing, it had to be bearable, to make it worth picking up the other two. I almost bought Blacksite with it (rounding out three generic shooters - two of them featuring aliens), but then, I saw it. What has to be the worst game ever.

Can you pick what is it? I'll give you a hint - its real value is likely to be about 50 cents.

Have a minute thinking time.

OK, time's up.

50 Cent - Blood on the Sand. I bought a game about a rapper, who fights terrorists (apparently). The plot is so awful that I needed to purchase this game. The following is quoted from the source of all knowledge, Wikipedia.

"The game is set in an urban warzone in an unnamed Middle Eastern country, where 50 Cent and G-Unit have been hired to play a rap concert. After the concert the promoter refuses to pay them the US $10-million in cash he promised, but relents after being threatened. However, instead of the cash they were promised, he gives them a diamond-and-pearl encrusted human skull as collateral. This is promptly stolen by a paramilitary group. 50 Cent (with the help of a selected G-Unit partner) decides to get it back at any cost."

So there we have it - a purchase that is so bad, it's amazing. Once I'm finished with Dragon Age (another day or two), I will play this to take a break before I head onto FF13, or Dragon Age 2. I just don't expect I shall be sane by the end of it.

I will probably look something like this

So, I put it to you, loyal readers (all three of you). What horrible things have you purchased intentionally. I don't mean buying something that you thought would be awesome, but it turned out to be the most horrible thing you've ever experienced (Assassin's Creed, anyone?). I mean things you know are a bad idea, but you bought it anyway. Either BECAUSE it was a bad idea, or because you wanted to torture yourself. Let me know in the comments!

Nothing to fear but F.E.A.R. And ninjas.

I recently finished F.E.A.R Extraction Point - the first expansion to F.E.A.R. For those who don't know, F.E.A.R (First Encounter Assault Recon) is a first person shooter crossed with a horror game. Except that it didn't quite work.

Note that huge spoilers will follow. But really, the plot, while it has its moments, seems fairly disposable.

The original game begins with you being the new recruit / pointman of F.E.A.R, which is never really explained well to the player through the game, but is essentially S.W.A.T for paranormal/supernatural things. Which is a horrendous idea in the first place. Since when have ghosts and other paranormal activities been susceptible to assault rifles? Oh right, they aren't. Even in this game, they're not.

No, the main bad guy, Paxton Fettel if my memory serves me correctly (and if not, I'll call him that anyway because his actual name was at least as ridiculous as that) is some... random guy. You get to watch him eat people at the start. Kinda creepy.

Somehow, he has some kind of clone army, which he directs to kill people. Your squad shows up to figure out what's going on, and to "eliminate" him. There is also the small matter of some insane little girl (as it always is in horror) with supernatural powers making weird shit happen occasionally.

You will literally receive visions occasionally - usually completely harmless, but sometimes less so - of weird stuff. A hallway with blood down the walls, the hallway itself stretching as you attempt to walk down it. Or maybe the entire world around you becoming black except for a circle of flame, with ghouls flying at you in an attempt to eat your soul, and drag you to the hellspawn pit from whence they came.

This sounds cool doesn't it? Well, this is all that about the game that is different - or even mildly interesting. And its not even scary.

Well, its creepy the first few times, but it happens quite a lot, so you kinda get used to the idea that your character is possibly losing his mind for brief periods, before being returned to whatever warehouse he was in, to continue on his merry way killing generic soldiers.

And that's exactly the problem. In the original game, I seem to recall a grand total of two types of enemies. Generic armed forces (because guns don't hurt ghosts, they had to give you something you could fight), and ninjas. I shit you not.

There are random ninjas which appear, and attack. Usually from behind. A shotgun blast usually deals with them well enough, until the next 3 attack simultaneously...

The major problem with this game is that EVERY LOCATION IS THE SAME. SERIOUSLY. It leads you through abandoned warehouse after abandoned office to abandoned parking lot to abandoned lab to abandoned office... every building looks the same!

F.E.A.R itself, wasn't so bad. It retained some form of interest, particularly with the giant explosion near the end, and the ending itself, where your helicopter is dragged down by the creepy little girl.

The expansion, however, was much, much worse. The reason being that it is THE EXACT SAME GAME. For some reason, the telepathically controlled clone soldiers reactivate themselves (even though their creator / controller is dead - and the reason he can still control them is never explained. The character himself even tells you in a vision that this makes no sense), and you are forced to try and regroup with the surviving member of your squad, after the helicopter crash.

Never mind the identical plot (you spend a large portion of the original trying to regroup with your squad, as well as chasing Dudeface McGee in between being driven mad by visions), this one's completely different.

How, you ask? BY KILLING OFF EVERY REASON YOU HAVE TO CONTINUE PLAYING. You early on link up with one of the survivors, who proceeds to fight with you for a couple of levels, and then gets himself killed in an admittedly creepy possession-type scene. His last words are to find Jin - the only other survivor.

You spend the entire game trying to get to the hospital where she is, traipsing through (stop me if you've heard this before) abandoned office buildings, an abandoned subway, an abandoned parking lot, and then, eventually, said hospital. Except that when you find her, she's dead (as expected).

Your mission then becomes "get to the extraction point on the roof". When you get there, the helicopter you are about to get in... explodes. Then the credits roll, you see a buring cityscape, and are told to go play the other expansion.

And will it be worth it? No, no it won't. Particularly since Wikipedia clearly states that both expansions are completely disregarded for the sequel F.E.A.R 2: Project Origin.

The moral of this story is that the F.E.A.R games are not scary. Particularly Extraction Point. The visions occur often enough that you begin to expect them every 10 minutes or so, the grisly scenes you come across where soldiers have been decimated become same same, and the only times in the game where I was creeped out involved the ninjas appearing behind me without warning, and a particular vision where the hospital became a completely different locale. And the reason that vision creeped me out was because it proved to me that the game's artist's were capable of texturing walls a colour other than white.

Also, why do you have bullet time? I never really understood that...